Low

The last time I wrote on here was May 30th of last year. That was the month Kristin and I started trying to get pregnant. I'm assuming there's a connection to my lack of writing and our lack of positives on the pee sticks. It may be a stretch, but the coincidence is unavoidable. We are not pregnant yet. Those 5 words pack more than a punch at 905 Irwin Rd. Those 5 words hang like cobwebs in the hallways of our home. They loom over us. We found out that it's me. My count is low. I had surgery Monday to hopefully correct that. We will know in a few weeks if it helped or not. This isn't the point. The point is that I am trying less and less to figure it out. What is figuring it out worth anyways? So, you end up with an answer. What do you do with an answer? Put it in the slot and pull the arm to hopefully end with smiley faces across the middle. I was reading an article that my friend Ace recommended. I like Ace by the way. He is the smartest guy in the room, but he pulls it off. It's a 'smart' that comes from paying attention. Ace pays attention to me. To everyone. He is a good friend.... So, this article was about TED talks and how they aim at 'good ideas' that give clinical solutions to problems, when in reality some of the truly 'best ideas' pose a problem rather than a solution. It got me thinking about another friend of mine, David. He isn't alive anymore. He had a lot of broken places within him. He had a good idea that posed a problem. It went like this; let the bones within you that God has broken cry out with gratitude for their brokenness. It's a good idea. But it poses a problem, because the bones in me that are broken don't want to rejoice. They want to wallow in self pity. And shake a fist. And say "why me?!". And avoid. And leave. And run. And fix themselves.  My broken bones want answers. But after all, what is an answer worth anyways.

When you spend a lot time around hospitals you hear the word "results" quite a bit. Everyone is measuring results. Results from this test or that procedure or this drug. We've spent a lot time of getting results. Most of them have been low. Low progesterone, low sperm count, low mobility, low hopes. This is the point- we are low, but we are near each other. We are near Him. We want to be home more. We want to be with Him more.

I needed a laugh.

My dad came by yesterday. He said, "One day you're going to have a child. And that child is going to piss you off. And you're going to remember all you went through in this season. And you're going to want to say to that child,  "listen here you little shit..." ."

I got  my laugh. It nearly burst my stitches open. Thanks Dad. I needed that.